How to Ask Your Partner For What You Want Sexually, An Interview With Dirty Lola

It is incredibly common to be nervous about discussing a desire to try new things sexually with a partner.

Perhaps you read about a new sex position you would like to try. Maybe you saw something that looked like fun on a show, in a movie or while watching porn. Or, there may be something that has intrigued you for a long time, but you have yet to try it. But how do you now ask your partner to try it? What if you try it and don't end up enjoying it?

I sat down with Sex Educator, Host of Sex Ed a Go Go show, and Awesome Edutainer, Dirty Lola. You may have seen Lola on Netflix's The Principles of Pleasure.

Hi, Dirty Lola. Thanks for making time to chat. Opening up to a partner about wanting to try something new sexually can be scary and feel vulnerable. How does one get past their own fears about even approaching the subject?

This is why I am a huge fan of talking about sex with your friends. When we are able to candidly speak about sexual topics with our friends it makes it feel a lot less awkward to talk about these same subjects in the bedroom. Everyone needs that one friend or group of friends they can get raunchy with and speak their desires out loud to without fear of judgment. I've been honored to be that friend for so many folks in my life, but it's also helped me to not feel weird about my own desires (especially the kinky ones) when I can bring them to trusted like-minded friends first so I can better craft what I want to say to potential partners. I'm also a fan of having weekly check-ins with partners outside of the bedroom where you can discuss what's going on in your heads and with your bodies without worrying about ruining the moment. Those kinds of conversations can be so helpful when you're navigating new relationship dynamics or talking about hard to discuss sex subjects.

Is there a better time and place for having this discussion with one's partner?

Make time for check-ins with your partner when you're not about to slip into sexy time. Choose a time when you can both (or all Yay polyamory! lol) focus on the discussion and really hear one another. If your conversation ends up in the bedroom YASSSSS!!, but don't expect it and be prepared for one another needing time to process things. These chats don't have to be all business. Make it cozy. Get comfortable. Hold hands or cuddle while you chat. These conversations should be about bonding and sharing. They don't have to be hard-edged business negotiations... Unless that's your thing. lol

How does one begin the conversation of wanting to try something new sexually with their partner? What if what's desired is something considered a kink or "outside the norm"?

Start by letting your partner know you have something you'd like to share with them and reassure them that it's not a bad thing. Come to the conversation prepared to explain what you're asking for. If it's a new position, have a picture and or a detailed description ready to share. If it's something a bit more expansive like exploring a D/S (Dominance/Submission) dynamic or that you're curious about rope make sure you've done your homework so you can answer any questions they might have. If you're curious about kink and you're trying to gauge their interest in kink finding a good Yes, No, Maybe list you can sit and fill out together is a great way to see where both of your interests lie. My favorite Yes, No, Maybe list was created by Bex Caputo of Bex Talks Sex.

What if you try something new sexually with your partner and you, or they, don't enjoy it?

When this happens it's important to remember that it's okay to not love everything sexual you try. We are not carbon copies of each other. So what one person loves another may hate etc. If you both disliked it take a moment to regroup and talk about what didn't work for each of you. It could be that you need to learn a bit more about what you were attempting to do in order to get a better grasp on how to do it or simply change up position. It doesn't mean you're broken or a prude. It just means it's not your jam. If you've tried it and didn't like it be clear about that. I know that can be a hard thing to communicate especially if your partner was really into it, but it won't serve either of you in the long run if you keep doing something you hate. If one of you is a YES and the other is a NOPE take time to discuss what happened and if there is anything that could be done to help get you both to YES. HOWEVER, it's important to respect your partner's NO. Period. If they are a no and aren't interested in further experiencing something that needs to be respected. Having a safe word or words is helpful even for non-kinksters. I love the stoplight system. Green means keep going, yellow means slow down, I need a moment, or can we readjust and red means stop. This is a great way to check-in with your partner when you're trying new things. You can also make this your own and give other meanings to the colors.

Any other advice for our brave pleasure-seekers?

Keep your mind open, your boundaries strong and your ideas fluid. There's so much to explore out there. Keep it safe and consensual!

Great advice! Thank you so much for your time and wisdom, Dirty Lola.

Learn more from Dirty Lola here. And be sure to connect with her on Twitter.