How to Be Better in Bed


Becoming a better lover requires a lot of patience, the willingness to explore, and an eagerness to refrain from making sexual encounters ordinary and routine.

How exactly do you do that?

Set the mood. It doesn’t take much to create an inviting, sensual atmosphere for your sexy time, and it will contribute to the experience immensely. Creating ambiance for lovemaking is an ancient tradition going back thousands of years. A little soft mood lighting and some rhythmic music can help get you both out of your heads and more engaged in the delicious experience you’re sharing. Want more? Bring in organic materials, like fresh flowers, silk sheets and an aromatic candle or two to heighten your senses and create a sexy space for you and your partner to enjoy.

Slow down and take your time. We rush through so many things in life, but sexual encounters shouldn’t be one of them. Put your focus on giving pleasure rather than the wondrous and glorious climax that awaits you. This requires a slow and steady approach. Take your time caressing and exploring your partner’s body, and when you feel the anticipation building up, pull away and continue to delay things for just a bit longer. Prolonging the love-making experience will result in extended satisfaction, causing your partner to crave you more and more as time ticks by.

Relax. Sexual encounters can bring up all kinds of anxieties. Sex is more pleasurable when both partners are relaxed, engaged, focused and enjoying themselves. When you and your partner’s minds and emotions are focused on the present moment, directly aligned with your bodies, it makes it that much easier to descend into a sexy, pleasurable wonderland together.

Focus on pleasure. It can be natural to think of sexual intercourse as a goal-oriented act. The recipe for mind-blowing intimacy is not centered around the genitals or a rush to a finish line. By keeping the focus on each other’s enjoyment, rather than genitals and orgasmic goals, you’ll find that you both will have an infinitely better experience.

Offer a full-body massage. Our skin is loaded with sensitive nerve fibers that immediately respond and become aroused during skin-to-skin contact. This is why offering a sensual massage is an amazing way to titillate your partner and make them lust for you. Using massage or coconut oil, gently rub the liquid into your partner’s body, gradually and sensually working your way down from head to toe. Just be careful not to mix oils with condoms. Pay close attention to their erogenous zones, such as the earlobes, the inner thighs, and their feet, to really send their entire body into a state of sexual bliss.

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Become familiar with your own needs. Being an amazing lover is more than being aware of what your partner desires. You have to also familiarize yourself with your own wants and needs. Make some time to experiment by yourself, exploring different types of touch, positions, and use of toys. This solo time gives you the keys to your body’s personal satisfaction map, so that you can teach your partner what you like.

Communicate your desires. Being able to effectively communicate in the bedroom is one of the many signs of a good lover. Expressing what you want and need in the bedroom might feel intimidating or scary at first. It requires vulnerability. Feelings could get hurt. But if you can learn to vocalize the tempo and speed you prefer, discuss your fantasies, and express the sensations your body craves, you will not only build intimacy, your partner will be more willing and able to fulfill your needs. This opens the door to further communication, making your lover feel comfortable sharing their desires as well.

Experiment. Being willing to explore new things will help keep bedroom activities passionate, exciting and fresh. You might be surprised to find that having a certain spot on your body touched, licked, or sucked turns you on. You never know unless you try. Our tastes change also. Maybe having the back of your neck kissed was the ultimate way to stir you, but now just a hint of hot breath there has the opposite effect. That’s normal. Find your new hot spot by letting your partner explore every part of your body.

Laughter and play. Don’t take things so seriously that you forget to have fun. Sexy time rarely goes flawlessly, and awkward moments happen. Remember to laugh with your partner and keep a light-hearted, playful mood going.

Breathe deeply. As detailed in my first book, The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life, breath is one of the most potent tools we have to expand pleasure in the body. The more breath you're getting into your body, the more relaxed you'll feel, which increases the ability to orgasm, especially in women who might otherwise have difficulty bridging the orgasm gap.

Make noise. Being vocal helps move and amplify sexual energy. Moaning and expressing yourself will help bring about the ultimate body-tingling, sensual release. Let your inhibitions slip away and make some noise.

Dirty talk. Stimulate your partner’s mind with snippets about your likes, fantasies, and desires. Studies indicate that dirty talk can increase partner satisfaction. Expressing how hot you find your partner, or how incredible it feels when they’re doing something you love, will fuel the fires for you both.

Find a good giver/receiver balance. Being a good lover requires both giving and receiving, and finding that beautiful balance between the two. Usually we tend to be better at one or the other, which can stem from personality, societal conditioning and past experiences. Being able to receive is just as important as being able to give, as it allows the space for your partner to give, and for you to experience the true pleasure and satisfaction you deserve.

Enthusiasm. Giving pleasure to a partner is one of the best joys in life. When you show genuine enthusiasm for what you’re doing, it will make the experience more exciting for them too. Your partner can sense if you're not into something. But when you really enjoy what you're doing, it’s far more of a turn on for them, amplifying the experience and the pleasure.

Oral sex. To be an amazing lover you’ll want to give and receive oral pleasure. Many women have expressed to me their reluctance in receiving oral sex. This goes back to the above mentioned ability to receive, and setting aside fears and societal conditioning that could be getting in the way. About three-quarters of women have trouble achieving an orgasm from penetration alone, which is why clitoral stimulation is paramount in bringing her to climax. Using a tongue or fingers on her can bring her pleasure like you wouldn’t believe. Of course men also crave erotic satisfaction from oral and manual stimulation. Combine stimulation by using your fingers and your mouth to lovingly touch and fondle his genitals to bring him even greater enjoyment.

Use props. Great lovers aren’t opposed to introducing sex toys into the bedroom. In fact, it’s actually the perfect way to improve your sex life and become better in bed. If you and your partner are both comfortable with the idea, toys and props will give you an extra hand during your sexual escapades. You can self-explore while your partner watches, engage in double penetration, or use the props on your lover to take a night of intimacy to the next level and beyond. I love clitoral stimulators, couples vibes, and vibrating cock rings to up the pleasure game.

Experiment with these tips on how to become better in bed and let me know if they worked for you.