What's Getting in the Way of Your Pleasure?

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There are a lot of things that can get in the way of a satisfying sex life.

I’m frequently asked to weigh in on magazine articles about topics such as performance anxiety, body consciousness and difficulty orgasming. What do all of these topics have in common? They all begin in your mind. Add to that the shaming of sexuality you might have been raised with, the stress at work, unresolved relationship quarrels and any number of other life scenarios, and of course it’s going to be difficult to relax and experience pleasure.

It can be easy to think of sexual functions as genital related, but the experience of pleasure and orgasm occurs in the brain. The irony is that it’s extremely important to get out of your head and into your body, preventing monkey-mind chatter from getting in the way.

How do you do that?

  • Set the mood. As you may know from my first book, The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life, I’m a strong proponent of creating a sexy space, even for masturbation. Lowering lights, lighting a candle, or even just turning on some sultry music helps to set the mood and tell your mind that it’s now sexy time.

  • Use your breath as an anchor. The more oxygen you get into your body, the more pleasure you can experience. Take slow, deep breaths while tuning into the sensations arising in your body. Focus on the touch of your own or your partners fingertips as they tease your body. With your mind on breathing and the deliciousness of touch, there’s less space for distracting thoughts or worries.

  • Let your own noises amplify your pleasure. Just as with breathing, the more noise you make, the more it can increase your enjoyment. It also builds arousal for you and your partner, so don’t hold back on the moaning, groaning and screaming (sorry, neighbors) because it will take your orgasms to new levels. If you feel embarrassed, try it on your own first.

  • The only goal should be pleasure. It’s great to have life goals and the ability to quickly execute them, but not in the bedroom. Focusing on orgasm as the end goal will only foster anxiety. Relax, and enjoy every delicious kiss, nibble, lick, touch. The giving and receiving of pleasure is one of the greatest gifts we’ve been given, and we’re wired for it. By letting yourself experience this gift, you’ll find that extraordinary orgasms tend to happen on their own. But simply experiencing pleasure will nourish you deeply, and carry over into every area of your life.

  • Add stimulation, as needed. There are numerous studies that show the importance of clitoral stimulation for women to reach orgasm. And sometimes guys want some extra stimulation too. Your pleasure is an important part of life, so release limitations by freely adding finger play or toys (like clitoral vibrators, or a vibrating cock ring) to increase pleasure.

Our fast paced society and monkey-minding activities are thieving away appreciation for taking our time to truly experience all of the enjoyments that can found in life. The world needs more people deriving pleasure from it. Our bodies are ripe for pleasure, waiting for us to stop to appreciate it. It just takes getting out of a headspace and relaxing into the body and the incredible satisfaction that can be derived from it.

Experiment and let me know how these tips work for you.